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The Year I Was 27.

That whole "celebrity deaths at 27" is real. But I'm not sure it is just reserved for celebrities (unless my 500 followers count). This year has been friggen tough. I haven't thought of suicide or doing self harm but the majority of the year has had me crying, feeling hopeless and constantly asks the question "WHAT ARE YOU DOING MAY?!" I'm sure we've all had times in our lives when this question pops up and I know I'm not alone in the gloom but 2019 has been a ripper.

If you've kept up to date with my life and goings on, you'll know that I had a relationship end in February. Which was a silly one to get into in the beginning since the red flags were large and weighty. But that was the start of a terrible dark stormy cloud that still wafts over me every now and then. I must add that pretty early on, my horoscope said that 2019 was going to be a pain in the ass too, so that's not exactly welcomed news.

At the time, I lived in Toronto with my best pal, who was career focussed and had enough of hearing about the torment and toxicity of my male partner that she was doing her own thing. I had three jobs, working at two cafes and as a nanny for several families and I was still so super poor. I was starved of a healthy social life, a balanced income and to top it off, I had emergency surgery in Canada (not yet covered by travel insurance). So suffice to say that the last year of my life, hasn't exactly been a walk in the park.

But I'm home now. And I am so lucky to have such a big family. When one is tired of my shit, I can just go to the next and then the next. I am living with my youngest brother, who is just a great human being and my mother is thankfully retired and has a sudden interest in escape rooms, so I am sorted. Although my closest friends live far away and/or have new focuses in their lives (babies mainly), a text, skype, personal instagram video does wonders for the soul. So thank you! Niall, Merryn, Mansoor, Shekinah, Abo, Hannah, Michael, Maddy, Brennan and Chase... I love you all very much. I also love my band The 8-Tracks <3. Thursdays are overwhelmingly sad when rehearsal is cancelled. I also had the pleasure of watching an old friend marry her one and only, and catching up with school friends that I haven't seen in ten years.

I'm working at a childcare centre now. Which I love to death. I get paid to pick up children and play them like guitars until they laugh silly (amongst other actual jobs). I work with a bunch of mature ladies that have husbands and kids of their own and it's really nice. After spending two years around people with addictions and priorities/ values that are way off to mine, it's really healthy and wholesome to be working with people that are on the same spiritual level as I am. I'm also grateful for this job because my little life has become way too expensive.

"ZOMBIE BRO" is still a money sucker. I've just done quality control testing, which failed and requires the sound to be redone to pass and go through to the distributor. And my lawyer, who is goddamn impressive, has to be paid for all his hard work, so having a reliable job that pays consistently really prevents the financial focussed breakdowns from occurring. I'm so proud of how far I've come wth the project and still how far I've left to go, but a word of warning to others who want to take the same path. Work hard and spend nothing.

And in the creative realm of work, I managed to score a directing gig with NICE SHORTS this year. I was the female director chosen for Queensland to direct a sketch with the very funny Jazz Twemlow (Tonightly) and Nick Boshier (Bondi Hipsters). I got to work with Bunya and Screen Queensland on the little ditty and I hope it gets me more work. With a fun crew and a small pre-production phase, I'm pretty proud how well it came through in the end. Watch the episode here and leave a comment.

I got new headshots by my amazing pal, Mansoor Noor. I cut my hair a few months back thinking it would shed off some of the dreariness of 2019. It kind of worked, but also put me in the spot of needing new headshots. I've started applying to Queensland agents but I've been knocked back twice already. I don't want to whine too much about it but getting agents is tough. Especially if you look young still, I'll be competing with the new graduates at the moment. Even though I've got a strong resume (working with a Skarsgard and producing a feature), it seems like I'm not what anyone needs on their roster right now. I'm not too fussed though, it's probably the universe telling me to lay off right now and focus on finances.

And that's about it for now. I might give the whole vlogging a rest for a bit. It's a lot of work to get dressed up, pretty and act animated when all you want to do is nap and check up on your ex's blog... oh and cry.

Much love from an almost 28 year old.

May xx

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